January 25, 2010

And i saw myself turn green.
Green pulsed through my veins,
i know not where the red had gone, only that i wished to go with it.

Be brave

January 13, 2010

Its just something i’d like to share with you all, saying No, to all the negative things in your life. The people you make an effort for but reply with 1 sylablle responses. The parent who wont stop pushing you, the subject you cant bare to be in anymore, these things drain you. Say no..

 

Saying fuck it; to everything you have reservations about, to the extra work load you want to take but aren’t sure if you should, to that thing you’re stressing about, to that person who you cant be bothered with anymore but are too polite to do aything else, that thing you’ve always wanted to do but have always been too embarresed to try.

 

saying fuck you; to someone trying to put you down, hold you down, push you back, disagreeing with you.

 

 

& I’d write something insperational about saying yes but its too normal for me to be able to write about it subjectivly.

Be brave,

Cutting,  many things are.
Words, looks, thoughs, feeling, but man hot wax feels good.

Today was, well.. Woke up, apparently i feel better sooner because i’ve under slept. Whatever, i dont feel tiered anymore and i certinly don’t feel safe. Not anymore. Today i skipped college, did work, went fabric shopping. I reasured Nikkita about what i did last night for the first (and i think i hope,) last time. Today/Tonight has reminded me of many convesations ive had with myself (and occasionaly others)

 I’ve aquired a trigger, ish. but i like him, he’s one of the good ones so he’s staying.

 I….

I cant go back to what it was…, what i was. I cant go back to what i tured into and..and theirs no alternative* but this.., limbo. I wonder how long i can pretend for?

I wonder how long i’ll ask my self that question in a single track sense..

Self hate is so consuming. SelfDestruction, could be so much more interesting than people make it. Delivering sharp shocks to my soft sides, Running away. Desert flowers. So many ways and yet, i dont grow weary i grow bored. I wish i wernt so weak. So much flesh. So little bone.

I hope this hasent been too reveiling, if it has. shit. maybe stopping self destuction isnt worth it.

Sometimes walls are built to see who knocks them down, or climbs over. Sometimes distance is made to see who follows, or over takes. Sometimes we push, to see who pushes back or refuses to move.

 

 

 

The definition of love as i like to hear it;

Last weekend, my man took me to the Supreme Cat Show and was incredibly patient as I walked round, looking at every single cat and cooing over how gorgeous they were. There were over a thousand cats at that show! It was an hour and a half drive to get there and the same to get back. The weather was horrific. I realised afterwards that a man who would do that for his partner is definitely a man in love! If that’s not love, I don’t know what is

by lulu.

 

 

*Not one i’d ever  ever  accept anyway.

I’ve got my hands up

January 11, 2010

On reflection, my frantic and over emotive entry in the morning dark of Boxing Day really wasn’t that bad. I’ve stayed at bay from this a while, wary. But now I am back.
[QUOTE=ficklefrenzy;147112]It’s all very confusing. xx[/QUOTE]
– this. this is true.
 
This evening I’d like to go to the beach and get drunk.  If only i had more alcohol.   I’d like to been on a motorbike at 130 and turn into a wall. If only i could get something that would go that fast.   I’d like to run myself into the ground. If only…I weren’t so shit at it.
 
 

I’ve got my hands up and they’re never coming down. It’s a private poetic reference but since none of you know who I am, that’s fine, I’ll share the secret with you.

 
Secrets (real ones); whether you keep them, or lay them all on the table, they’ll hurt you in the end.
 

It is in all sense, the sense that I’m putting my hands up it can take me, I give up, I give up.  In the sense that, I don’t care I’ve got my hands up, I’m honest with it, its all out and I don’t care what you think,

 In the sense that, you can’t take life seriously with your hands up.            

                                It’s one of my ‘sayings’ that I’d live by. My second one in fact; my first was

“ ‘cause I’m immune to gravity and stuff

That one meant I was crazy. Its hard to say you’re crazy without being associated with annoying pre-teens/teens that think they’re so way up there because they like a band who sing about self harm, or because they wear their clothes a little too black.

No. I mean it in the sense, that I’m actually crazy, insane. In a ‘don’t come near me because I might be infectious, because just a 5 meter distance from me scares you’ kind of way.                  But I also say it, in this way, because sometimes, this crazy, it isn’t so obvious. There’s many meanings behind it but lets not pretend you’re that interested. It’s also a semi-quote from a song, I’ll give you points if you know which.

 I’m not sure what else I was going to tell you tonight. So I guess I’ll end here.

Actualy, i’m typing again. and its 2 minuets past midnight. I’m talking to C.

I explained about my dragon hair. and how scene girls are so pretty (i think they’re perfect but thats a different topic)

and, well..He told me i should care less, and i told him i never used to [i never used to..i still dont..] and then i told him, i guessed people change, quickly, [it seems] in my case. And then he told me its the litte things that bring people back and i told him i hoped so. and he told me hopes a waste of time. and you should just tackle life. and i said maybe and it made me remember. Of when i was sad [not that i get sad] and well i said back then that

‘what about when life just doesnt just give you a run for your money, but beats you, and rugby tackles you to the ground’ or something like that. I’ll find the quote and update here; but yeah. It made me remember that, and its made me worry again, about whats happened to me. and where i’ve gone. I’m sending my Kid sister install ments of my poetry, i did my first one online the rest i’ll only write once, and only to her. What she does with them is up to her but, my first one, is this;

[Its online anyway so i dont mind reposting it, the actual poem is in italics, the rest is just what i posted with it]

 

And she flirted with the moon
and the stars
and the night sky
She flirted with the smiles
and the frowns
she flirted with the bitchy comments
And she lived

…I wonder what happend to her…
[she’sdifferentnow]

I dont know what happend to her, but im worried about myself, heh, i know, i worry now…, i wonder where i went.
What happened to me? ”

It made the girls sad, and it makes me sad. I think. Not that i ever get sad. Shush.

The sky is beautiful tonight.

beautiful.

I wish, alot. I wish alot that i had someone to share that with, the beautiful sky that is. & Sometimes the sky is so blue, i just wish i had someone to tell. There are girls, who know who they are, i hope,  who are special to me but..i dont know. I suppose i dont have any emotional attatchments and would just be happy to emotionaly attatch myself to something, then again, i should remember that i tried that once and just LOOK how that turned out. Ultimately at any rate, i dont date, its easier to skip to the part where you hate me. Much, much easier.

Though, tell a lie, I do date. I go on alot. Of dates, alot. But I’m guessing you get what I mean? (And because i cant be arsed to change my lingo this late in the night i shall continue by saying that) at any rate when i do date, or if i do, i dont date nice guys. I genuinly just dont deserve them i date drug-taking-overly-aggressive-stereotypes who i never thought would be intersetsed me in the first place, i date people who dont actualy like me or no me and well, basicly.     I suck.

Over the last few months a fair few people have said to varying degrees that i am independent (and maybe a little too independent for my own good) I’m not sure what to make of this, but fair enough. I cant wait for the day I can walk away. I cant wait to be able to be lost in a sea of annonimity, i cant wait to find somewhere i feel so small, my existance no longer matters, basicaly I cant wait to find my own ‘Big City’

Because of my fucked up schedual/sleeping pattern im posting for christmas eve, christmas day and im doing all this on boxing day. Christmas eve was magical, thank you Nikita, to all your friends and to O, T & M for coming to the pub afterwards too. The other up point in christmas eve was finding the ‘starlight’ jumper. And finding i was a S in it. I also tried on lots of dresses, and maybe i will buy them.

Dear reader; now im taking a moment to just, talk to you, to tell you i wish i could be so many things to you, that i could be your everything and all and to protect you from everything and, when you dont want to be protected to stand at your side, just behind you, holding a breath on everything you do. Practise makes perfect but i dont think I’m ever going to become a perfect.., For years i told myself 

‘It’s always darkest

before the dawn.

But things are going to

be just dandy, I promise.

Warrior Queen,

you’re looking fierce.’

And after all this time, i’ve never thought there was something i couldnt do, but i never thought i could get so low.

Je suis Au Vous-?

 

I’m going to write more momenterily, while i consider what should be censored and what is raw and yet, not still beating. [00:59]Im not going to write too much more, sobriety of mind has left me so what ever i do write more, may well be deleted. Im not sure, we’ll have to see.

 

This seems to have turned into a post of myself, everything that is [terribly terribly] wrong with me and relationships. And unfortunetly im not sure quite how honest i’d set this blog out to be, do i really post soemthing that raw and honest?

Really? Do i?

I’ll continue with the 2 occuring subjects so far;

Independence, Romance. I wont let anyone sweep me of my feet, do you know how dangerous it is not to have either feet on the floor? And, in someone else’s arms? Nikita seems to think its because of past expierences, once with someoe who ‘broke your heart’ you’re forever afraid of it happening again (Dont worry im not twat-ish enough to say such a thing or have it done) What she was getting at was, well actualy i dont know [more like im not telling you but all the same] I’ve said already i cant wait to walk away. I plan running away all the time and do it often enough too, my next time, my next time will be abroad hopefuly for as long as is physicaly possible. The only problem being when im walking but to my house from the nearest stop of transport and, i could do anything but keep walking, in that moment of time i’d be happier to stop or to change direction or anything.

‘this is getting worse, i once said to myself and, concluded that i am then going to leave. My plans to leave, walk away. run away involve three palces, the first of which is Canada, for the snow, for the sheer peace, emptiness, i’d live on my motorbike, hitchike and walk, alot. the second is Aus for its walm calm sun, i know someone who lives there and has a favourite abandoned house, i’d live there, or out of my car. the third or final place i think most people would think would be atop my list, is Paris, if you cant be happy, you may as well be in paris, no?

Night, though im sure all these thoughts will be edited down in the light of day.

 

(By the way, i’d like to be used as a sex object, though not by people i care about, i’d like to make useless friends and be treated as such, i feel it would be justified and would conclued suspicions i have. Fucked up, no?)

 

(Next update- I say that because so many people have that attitude toward me anyway, thank god for my strong character so far, though there was that phrase where i lost so many friends though it. I say lost…Ah fuck it nevermind.  Basicly, god it would be romantic to prove me wrong, for someone to watch a film, spend the night and not try to fuck. Oh wow, my lifes romantic isnt it?)

My blanket covers me,

December 23, 2009

Boyfriends annoy me, i do not care how your ‘baby’ cheered you up or how you had a fantastic time. Stop spamming my facebook with your useless life-crap. Even if they are friends of mine, i dont care, honestly. And as i remind myself how empowering the ‘remove friend’ button is on facebook, my friends are removed like clothes on a burlesque stage, in an exicing and yet classy way.

The starlight jumper is something i’ve stalked for a month or three, and something ive hunted for 3 days streight. And, as i go to buy it, it sells out. as im entering my card number. Son of a mother fucking gun. I.. well, i’ll cry if i dont get it in the end, its pathetic i know but im a fashion student and an emotionaly delicate one at that. I say that, what i really mean is im like a pan of water on the hob, there is a thin line between heating it and boiling it. One thats crossed often. I do not enjoy this state.

Tommorow I brave Winchester again for a eve-of-christmas-thing. This worries me mildly, im not sure why. On other tones, life is too short to be living a half life and hence, within the next 7 days i shall be going down to lee on solent to go swimming. Hopefuly my faithful fellow fickle female femlin Ms. Melody Mae  will acompany me, she probably will if i promise her i shall buy as chips so we can sit and plan how to appear to have riches as well as get in some pro-dram practice at being bitches. Just like the practice of medicine, everyone thinks doctos are ‘qualifed’ there not, they practice medicine, just like us, we arnt perfect bitchs, but we are getting there (did i mention we are also not bitches all the time?). Anyway practice makes perfect after all, im screwing up but going along with college work, and seriously looking forward to next year, hopefuly just if not more eventful than this year, although hopefuly more stable if you know what i mean, some of you will and some of you wont (if you dont, ask..if you dare)

I’m going to post more on this, soon.

In the cool of the evening,

December 22, 2009

I am who I am, and right now I shall introduce that person.

I am, a girl of many names, but no matter what the names several things remain clear. I am not like other girls, I am a fashion student, I’m starting an Open Degree in Scs in Febuary and am midly interested in doing politics at uni some day too. Art and etc is what i do 9 to 5 and politics is my favourite hobby, I’d love to do many things and i shall, i hope, anyway. I’m tall, with long dark hair which i have great plans to mess with, im a snob when it comes to make up and clothe’s, these days we can buy Tshirts 2 for a pound and jeans for 12. However they break after 2 days and we’re made in disgusting conditions, you would’nt eat something with that record so why wear it? Then again i suppose McD’s is a multi million-billion? pound corporation…Anyway, im a vegan, outspoken and im defiantly not from Winchester.

As i previously told you, yesterday i attended my friends 19th dinner party and it was fabulous and amazing and i did indeed make new friends. I also became slightly more frenzied over tea (which i have also spilt near my slipper right now) and have now also sent a friend slightly mad as she plans my wedding. It can be joint anyway as her ‘husbands’ single now…Hmm, on a note i think it went well and apparently everyone liked me, im a skeptic on this, but all the same. One thing, i can do as a person is chamelonise myself among anyone and any crowd and get along fine, this doesnt mean i was being fake, it just means im adaptable and equiped with good social skills, with this i have observed many a social clique, cliche and group..and can honestly say intellectuals are the messiest. Punks, A* and drug crowds, leave remnants of drugs and might spill a pint on your carpet but never leave a mess, mainly because everyone’s up in the morning helping before they leave, leaving the intellectuals the messiest group i’ve yet come across.., saying that you havent yet seen where i live…hmm.. 

Anyway it was marvelous, and it snowed, Winchester in the snow is quintessential England/Britan in one town, and it looked amazing in the snow. However wearing ridiculous shoes was not the most enjoyable expierence to add into the mix. In other news, i did indeed get my blood money, have indeed bought things, well one thing really and its nearly all gone now due to farting about with food shopping and train fares and i hope to buy more. Though i should remember that happieness is wanting what you get, where as sucssess is getting what you want…hopefuly i can achieve both.. Anyway, this has been brief my dark noirlings but have a happy trail tonight wherever you are and i hope you are marevelous.

Bonjour

December 21, 2009

Im skeptical of this blog, but we shall try.

 

 

Hello; Riches and Bitches as my blog is currently called, Riches are something that fluctuate in my possesion, but generaly, in the conventional sense, i have none. However, bitches is something i have no lacking of. This blog is to be a blog of Diamonds and Rhindstones. Cynicism is not aloud. Tonight has been a night of laughs and tears, luckily (and as always), personaly, the latter was not on my part.

I went to a party, where;

2 had eating disorders

3 suffered depression

and the others had many issues, i gathered, anyway.

God immature brats who think too much of themselves are such a bore after a while, anyway.       I’ll stop though as this is a diamonds and rhindstones blog. Being bitchys allowed, being a cynic isnt (as much). I didnt drink much, but made a make shift shrek or so which was quite good. Other than that i caught up with a few good friends and have a fair few plans to go shopping i think. and hope.

 

In other news, my bathrooms still backed up due too the drunken mess i threw on monday night, it was good though. Even when we proceeded in the next day. I think things might be awkward between me and JD though. Hm, we’ll see after christmas i suppose. And on that subject, oh JOY festivities. Or not rather, my wet blanket using grandmother, aunt and my rather lovely uncle are coming round tommorow at 11. Means i have to be up. On the plus side i’ll get some money from them. Its like blood money you see, only not for killing someone i know but for dropping and picking me up like their car keys. Oh well, shopping for me im guessing. I dont really give a shit, do i? Anyway, i need to go off shopping for make up and clothes and will hopefuly see some more old friends and maybe make some new ones as im also going to be going to my friends 19th tommorow..today, so i guess that what i’ll be writing to you about next. As well as ucas being a bitch and my plans for the next year…, you never know i may even introduce myself..

  Anyway, i tire and i hunger, good night my Noirnoir kittiens.

x